R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
