i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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