Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
