I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
