Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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