I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
