I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
