How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
