I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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