so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
