Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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