if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
