Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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