hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
