I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
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