If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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