Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I think my moral compass just broke
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
