Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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