The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
