I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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