I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
