cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
