i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
