i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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