i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
God, I missed his penis.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
