I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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