where does the pee come out of this thing
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
