It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
