I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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