ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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