ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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