i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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