Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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