I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
