Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
