at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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