I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
