She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
