saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
