I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
