I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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