did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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