Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
