he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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