Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
