This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
