Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I want her autograph on my taint
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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