do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
where am i from again
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
