I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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