Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
