yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Randomize
