Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
