i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
